Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
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I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
old twitter is back baby
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order