Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested