Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
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My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Every work call, he judges.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?