Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.