Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.