Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
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Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
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what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Are you a cat person or a person person?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”![]()
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man