Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

584.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers