Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever