“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
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NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone