“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
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Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF