Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

So that’s what we looked like?

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*