Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

Oh, I bet you would be

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

how to market bottled water to dads

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*