taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
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Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know