Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
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They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*