Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
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INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Seismologists are loyal to a fault