Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.