Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
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How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
imagine u running from the police at night and yo sketchers start lighting up
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.