Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
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Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
i’m sure it’s fine
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”