Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.