Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

Legend 🤣🤣

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.