Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
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Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up