Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
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“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
💯😂
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.