Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

Me irl

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.