Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
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My Sentiments Exactly
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro