Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
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I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Lassie, get help!
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Straight people are cancelled
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!