Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
You Might Also Like
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Finally
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious