Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
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I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
🤣
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
People buying plungers never look happy.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat