Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

How your email finds me

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

You’re not my real can

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

*jingles half the way*

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

This sounds bad:

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks