TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
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“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Look at this
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross