TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
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Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
🤣🤣
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏