tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
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Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
See..?
.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.