Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’