Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

🤣

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.