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At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
The Friday File.
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
At least he brought enough for everyone
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.