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I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
o shit
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
