tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
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They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
oh my gosh!!
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas