tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
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‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.