tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
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If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers