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having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.