tag yourself
You Might Also Like
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug