Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
the internet really was better 18 years ago
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.