Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
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I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Not😆🤣
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
i actually laughed 😩
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.