Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
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LOL
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.