Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here