Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.