Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
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Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
*pokes sex life with a stick
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.