What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
You Might Also Like
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Twitter fine art
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.