Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
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Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Yup.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”