Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks