Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
You Might Also Like
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
And that about sums it up.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?