Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
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Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue