Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
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Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My spirit animal is fried chicken
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.