Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.