Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

“I FIXED IT!”

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

pls suprot

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.