Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
You Might Also Like
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
😏😏😏
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas