Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
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Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.