Take care of yourself, ladies
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When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I would like even faster food.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!