Take care of yourself, ladies
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My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Milk Cube
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
the three branches of government
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes