Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects