Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.
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doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
wish me luck lads
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
