Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.