Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
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is losing your mind a hobby?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
😾
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO