Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.

Safest bet I ever made.

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one