Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend