There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
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Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.