Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.