Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
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Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
scares
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My safe word is Worcestershire
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.