Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out