Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!