Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
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*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
How software testing works
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw