Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan