Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
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As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.