Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
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I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
#parenting
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.