“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
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When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now