“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
